For most who know my family, it’s no secret 2017 has been a year of difficulties. I wrote down the “big” things the other day and came up with this list.
Husband – mono (severe) and pneumonia (still dealing with symptoms of mono)
Me – strep twice, months of intense physical pain, tested and ruled out for ovarian, colon, and melanoma cancers
Son – strep four times and mono (less severe)
Daughter – strep nine times, mono (severe), tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy (still dealing with symptoms of mono)
Daughter – respiratory complications that resulted in sometimes upwards of six breathing treatments a day
Another loved one continues to suffer with memory loss/dementia and relies heavily and increasingly on my husband and I for care
And those were just the big things.
Before I go further, we have and continue to address each situation as well as bigger picture causes and possibilities, including air quality in our home. However, our one daughter seems to have been a walking germ factory with her tonsils, and since her surgery and recovery things are improving greatly. My pain seems to have been a result of me needing to take better overall care of myself.
Somewhere in the intensity of the battle, I bargained with God that if we could all get well I would stop holding back and living small.
It felt like a really good deal at the time. Now we are all healing and gaining strength and health and I am processing what I meant by “not holding back and living small.”
I’ve had to confront myself this year on many occasions and came to realize that fear makes my life so small; fear of living, fear of dying (this one is more about me leaving my children or having yet another child die than me actually transitioning to my Eternal Home,) fear of upsetting someone, fear of not standing up for (insert many things) regardless of whether or not it might upset someone, fear of being misunderstood, fear of vulnerability (I have so much I write and want to share, but fear holds me back,) fear of …
Counseling is helping. Friends willing to speak truth, hard truth, is helping. Taking better care of myself spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally is helping. Taking a lyrical ballet class is helping and I can tell an immense difference in my freedom of movement and participation since I resolved to stop living small. Ironically, genealogical research is helping. Confronting the root of my insecurities is helping. Love is helping.
I hope you will join me on the journey ahead as I learn to live into my destiny and perhaps inspire you to live into yours as well. I’d love to engage with my readers more as we journey together. What have you been struggling with? What joys fill your life today? How can I pray for you?
Sharing this photo is a big deal for me. I used to loathe many things about my physical features, but the more grounded I become and the more I delve into my genealogy, the more I see the uniqueness and character that make up the whole of who I am.
Here’s to hope, health, and deeper discoveries.
4 thoughts on “I bargained with God and got my end of the deal! Now what?”
Since we last spoke…I felt your pain…but also your strength. One of your greatest strengths is the ability to see the larger picture. And yes, as difficult as it may seem….you are always grounded.
Much love and prayers for you and your family, we are never to far away.
your brother and sister in Christ,
Becki and Dwight
We need to come together and talk.
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Thank you, Dwight. Let’s get together!
Wow, you have had quite a year–and not just the physical. The self-awareness you are growing is fascinating. Thanks for your honesty.
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Thank you, Melodie.